| wheeeee |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|05:50 pm] |
I love math when it works! I spent the afternoon diagram chasing, it was satisfying because everything that needed to be true, magically was true!!
Mochas are tasty. I got a large one at Red Door.
I watched "Lost Highway" again. It's so good!!!! So much better than the first time, because this time I understood it and it was exhilarating. Especially the ending, when it all explodes, right after everything only just finally connected together, and it's quiet for a bit and then... "funny how secrets travel..."
Jack makes a great David Bowie impression.
"I'm deraaaaaanged" |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|03:49 am] |
For most of the day, my eyes hurt and the light reflecting off the paper was too bright and homology was this lofty structure far out of my reach.
Zeb brought it down a little and now I did 1/3 of my set. But it's time to sleep. So I asked for an extension. I hope I get one. I'll go to class tomorrow...
Tofu soup was good.
I re-learned how to drive a manual car last night. It's fun.
Why does it always take me most of the day to stop panicking, and accept that I will do nothing but math for the rest of the day? And to realize that even though the set starts out infinitely long, the trick is not to think about it and then one day it will be finite.
OK a bit more math then sleep. |
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| homology... |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|04:34 pm] |
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sooooooooooo complicated :-( |
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| wheeeee |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|11:33 am] |
My head is floating somewhere near the ceiling, I feel like I slept in 5 minute fragments last night. But my eyes just won't stay closed! Well now of course they won't because I'm full of caffeine! But even though I woke up early it's not made me productive; I spent the past hour on the computer writing emails and chatting!
And I can't stop laughing to myself because something was funny. haha
but it's a secret!
These things are really useless to say huh. But I'm not writing this for anyone else so whatever, I'll say what I want!
Aaand last night, I led a 5.11a in the gym!! And climbed till the last bolt without taking! (or falling), but right before the anchors I couldn't do a matching move so I taked. And I also did a 10a it was actually a lot harder because it was overhanging. And I also toproped this reeeally weird red one that I don't know what it's rated, the beginning was easy, but then it went into a dihedral and involved a lot of pushing and stemming and unlikely positions. It was so much fun!
And, Metallica is awesome. And also I was listening to some music and a song came up called... (I had to look it up) "Hemmorhage (In my hand)" which Lori played sometimes and it made me miss her.
Ooh I think the South kitchen just opened. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|12:44 pm] |
Woww it's hard to get up... I'm awake but so groggy. And too hungry to get up and cook food. I think I'm also dehydrated. It feels straaange to wake up in my room on the weekend, past noon!
Alas I must do a math set today. I am so completely tired of math I can't even say. I just don't care any more! I would have infinitely more wanted to stay at New Jack City and climbed for another day.
Yesterday I climbed there for the first time, and it's such a nice place! In the desert, it's beautiful, and there's literally no approach to the routes so you can be super lazy. I led a 5.9 there, I almost gave up on it because for the last move, it tricked me and really seemed like I would have to do this very powerful overhang move. But right when I was going to give up, a random lady who was climbing up a different route next to mine told me to keep left and not use that really tempting, huge chalked-up hold on the right, and she pointed out one I hadn't noticed. And then it was easy! And then I led most of a 10a, but I couldn't clip the anchors because I couldn't figure out the last move. Jack then finished it and I followed on toprope, and there was a really good hold I would have had to jump for. Not knowing it was there though, I didn't try to jump for anything on lead. He said he didn't mind it because he could sort of "jump" up but lock off with his right hand and hold himself there and look for it, and come back down if he had to. I wish I was at least a little bit that strong! Also I have to get rid of my fear of falling! I should just fall on purpose a lot. Then I'll get used to it and not be scared, and not hold back.
Last night when I got back, I watched the movie "Synecdoche, New York". It was very frustrating. Too much of it was "OMG look at me I'm so meta!" And all of it was pessimistic, like a depressed person who won't stop whining and refuses to see anything good in the world. (like me last year...or was it the year before) There was no concept of beauty for the main character. His life sucked. But he had no soul, instead he had a burning fireball of pain.
It was powerful, it got my attention, but I didn't like it. |
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| more coherently |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|01:01 am] |
I realized something today. I'm more solid. Reality is more solid. I exist, in the past few weeks.
Please don't go away. |
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| what a dayy |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|01:00 am] |
Wake up. Topology. Paella. Zeb. More topology. Calculus. Lecture=torture. Jamba juice. Some intense...yoga (my legs still feel funny). Shower. Watermelon. Twin Peaks season 2 premiere. Some less intense yoga. Oatmeal. More oatmeal. Construction site. Tunnels. Graffiti. (I fulfilled my dream of writing some!). Levers. Frosh. Colors. Running around tunnels in underwear. Hot chocolate. Gangsta nite!
Make up a story involving the above, roughly in that order! It will probably resemble my day.
And... climbing tomorrow!
And Sunday... I won't think about right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|12:27 pm] |
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ooookkkkkk. note to self. don't eat old produce that made my car smell funny. |
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| whoa! whoa! |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|08:47 pm] |
5/6 and it's only... 8:47 pm on Thursday night!! WHOA!!
I'm in such awe that I had to stop before I look at #6 and announce it to the world.
Watch me spend all night on this one... it's weird. It doesn't seem like it should work.
Whenever I remember that jtree is this weekend it makes me giddy inside!!
Even though I was just there! hee hee
Whenever I remember that my math GRE is this weekend it brings forth a rising feeling of impending doom. Which is promptly overshadowed by excitement for what comes after. I totally have my priorities straight! |
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| i'm thinking about myself a lot and i can't stop! |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|02:34 am] |
But I just realized, this is much better than feeling like I am the least real person in the world. But in a way, it's exactly the same thing.
...it even made me feel the same way.
But I'm smarter than before I think.
All that circularity, and opposites being identified, it's a pattern underneath the secrets of what it means to be a person. cause=effect
There's also a hidden thing that prevents me from crying. Sometimes I really, really, really want to cry, I start to physically feel like I'm about to cry but then I just get nauseated.
Not out of sadness, I'm not sad, I can't even feel something as simple as sadness nowadays, anything I feel is a tangle of a million different, probably contradicting, emotions.
I want to cry like I did at drop day, it wasn't a cause of any emotion, it was just that my mushroom trip managed to open that hidden window for a while so that the torrent could come bursting out, as described in the Evangelion opening song. ("should you betray your memories" but I would say betraying them locks them away, but maybe they meant that one day it will catch you by surprise and come out, you can't bury it forever, anyway they don't really imply that it's undesirable) I feel like there are so many things hidden in me that I can't identify, that create labyrinths, that tie emotions into knots, that make realities shift and slip away, that make it impossible to trust myself.
I am the realest, least real entity in the universe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|02:23 am] |
Today when I was sitting in my new secret place I felt like I was the only real person in the world, because nobody else was even real enough to be in a place like that at that time.
Now out of procrastination I started talking to a guy on omegle, who claimed I'm the realest person he's talked to all night and then wouldn't stop talking about how he wants to talk more after this, he has insomnia and talked on omegle all night and he sounded like I was deeply hurting his feelings for wanting to stay anonymous, and unless it's a joke which wouldn't even make sense, this encounter only reinforced the sense that I'm the only real person in the world.
I'm OK with that for now, for tonight, because I'm about to sleep so the world is about to end for awhile so no matter what state it's in, everything is all right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|01:02 am] |
Half of me just shut down.
"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying."
= suuuper spacey. It perfectly describes that feeling. Maybe I got closer to the secret, of why it happens. It happens when I can't keep up with things around me.
The screen is too white. I broke my ears, the car was vibrating with the music. I have a secret place now, I always wanted one of those.
Pink Floyd. How can they have such wonderful lyrics? It's like a kind and wise old man speaking into my soul. And the music, of course.
I'm eating so many cookies.
Letting go of this death grip I had on my world...
That is the only way I can ever hope to keep up.
And there are things, like Pink Floyd, that can catch me.
And the living organism that is Los Angeles at night from far away.
And David Lynch.
In other words, things that speak to me directly, whereby I can verify my own existence. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|10:45 pm] |
11 pages!
rounded down.
silly elliptic curves. |
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| adventure! |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|01:21 pm] |
Guess what I did on halloween!
I fulfilled a fantasy I had freshman year and forgot about in between then and now. Decided spontaneously to get up and drive away to the desert!
With the person I most want to be with. And (this part wasn't in my fantasy back then) to do my favorite thing to do: climb!
So we went to jtree and then got really lost for a couple of hours and finally left the park at 11pm! It was an epic day. First, GW and a friend of his were supposed to meet us in the morning, but we got a message that he overslept and would not make it. So we set off to Wonderland of Rocks, and were going to climb some stuff on a place called Astro Domes, which is these two domes that are (thankfully) very distinctive looking. First we did some climbs near the parking lot, I hadn't trad climbed in a few weeks so I was kind of scared, but I did a 5.7, but overcammed a lot of my gear so that it was hard to get out; in particular there was a tricam that was in way too deep so that Jack couldn't reach it so he had to lower me from the top again because I have smaller hands, and I finally got it out. Then we toproped this 10c and he decided to lead it. There were 2 bolts on it and a tiiiny fingercrack, which he put a piece of gear in, and fell on, and it popped out. Fortunately he caught the rope as he was falling because he would have probably hit a ledge otherwise. Then, he tried it again and nearly fell from even higher, but he didn't and so in retrospect it was a good thing. But it was scary to belay! Aaand, then we set off looking for the astro domes, it was kind of a long hike but we finally found them, but the climb he wanted to do was in the shade and windy and cold, and reeeally crimpy with super sharp holds so that it stung even after 2 minutes of resting after the first clip, so we decided it wasn't worth it and we would look for this route called Mental Physics with 3 stars. But we weren't sure where it was, so we scrambled around for awhile, and then finally right before sunset, we found it. I started leading it, and halfway through, it got dark, so it was my first trad climb in the dark. It was long but not at all difficult, but still scary. It's annoying when I can't get my legs to stop shaking. And it's even harder to place gear in the dark (with a headlamp but still). Then he followed and we hung out up there for awhile; it was quite spectacular with a full moon and hanging off a high rock wall together. Exactly my idea of a romantic date! And then we rappeled off but I fail at throwing the rope far enough so I got it stuck, and then while trying to pull it I got it stuck again... I was really tired and cold because earlier I halfway fell into a cactus and my pants were full of spikes, so I was wearing just my shorts at that point. Oh and hungry. We made some tea then which was perfect. And then set off back to the parking lot. But we didn't want to repeat all the scrambling from before, so we went in the direction that seemed the most likely. After an hour or so of scrambling we finally made it to "solid" ground my head was ringing and light, my legs numb, my stomach growling... but the area did not look familiar. There was a trail type thing and we started walking in one direction for 30 minutes or so, and things looked less and less familiar... so we went back with the intention of getting to where we started and then trying again to find the trail to the parking lot... and then I recognized the astro domes, I was soooo happy! And so we made it and nobody died or starved or anything. Yay!
But so my problem of not having a halloween costume solved itself. Because we got back to campus sometime around 1am. Somehow, I hope my grad school dilemma will solve itself similarly. Am I saying I hope I don't get in so I can avoid a decision? More and more I feel like I want to be a teacher at least for a while. And then maybe I'll miss academia again, like Lori. She actually actively wants to go to grad school now. Maybe that's better. Maybe instead of writing essays I should be getting a teaching license. Um in any case instead of musing about it at the moment I should take a shower and do my math set! Oh I am so gross right now! I haven't showered in 2 days, I'm covered in dirt and sweat and blood. Whee! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|07:15 pm] |
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I've traversed around a Mobius strip, finding myself occasionally on what seemed like the "other side" but still always moving forward even if only by inertia and now, I'm back where I started, in some sense, but with acute knowledge of the precariousness of the position, and a reckless vertigo in face of which I can't stop laughing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|01:00 pm] |
OK. I had this dream about the show Lost. Well, the first thing I remember is driving around on or near Mulholland Drive. Skip forward, Jin and Sun were having a fight because Sun had an affair. John Locke is telling everyone to climb down this latter onto a boat. Sun refuses to go, but John Locke stays behind to talk to her and I turn around for a second, and when I look back, she's coming onto the boat. At the bottom of the ladder is a canoe between the ladder and the boat, and Jin gets on it to chase Sun, who is now on a bigger wooden boat. He yells "Our child will never see civilisation!" because Sun is pregnant and he wants to take her and the baby to a deserted island. Sun says "I'll show you" and starts throwing these weird bars at him. One lands really close to his feet and make four arrows pointing in one direction and a voice says "this is where you will die". Jin stands in front of the arrows and the ground (which is somehow no longer water) breaks and he/I break through the ground and then I woke up.
I slept on my "couch" for the first time. I still like my sleeping pad more.
Am I really posting in livejournal to put off work? This has to stop. |
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| 3AM |
[Oct. 24th, 2009|02:50 am] |
Got around 4 hrs of sleep ahead of me... but time seems immaterial. Especially with caffeine on my side. I can extend the present eternally as long as I forget that there's a future. Which is why I'm writing now instead of sleeping. Not that I dread the future; on the contrary. But I like this particular slice of time so I'm going to wallow in it.
Listening to my ipod on shuffle, and getting completely engrossed with a picture I'm drawing. I can't tear my eyes from it, my mind keeps trying to complete it, to twist it yet again, to add another infinitesimal color. What is the picture of? A strange bird, a waterfall, a boat, a house three times, trees, an eye, twisty space, spirals, roots, people, and pulling. It's like the doodles I do in class, times ten or so. And with color.
It's been so long since I tried to draw something "serious". That is, something I didn't intend to throw away the next minute. Other than my mural I guess, but that was copying; it didn't actually involve any creative process. With this, my mind is as engaged as when I'm doing my topology homework. At least.
Oh, j-pop.
Right now, I love all the colors and subtleties and contrast and shininess of everything. What I am, and what love is, God knows. |
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| i am an addict... |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|04:57 pm] |
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oh WOW. i just realized my headache disappeared as i was drinking tea. so it really was the fact that i forgot to make coffee this morning... |
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