A Strange Attractor

cool_daacy_314 @ 2010-01-04T02:50:00

2010-01-04T02:57:02Z

Long time no update, I think? I don't actually remember.

Last night I dreamed that I was on a hiking trip with my family, and we had to cross some sketchy rocks that looked like they were about to fall a long way into a cliff. Eventually we made it to our destination which was this small beach. But there was a storm which caused there to be these dog-sized creatures in the water called Pikas (pronounced like "Pika" from Pikachu) which would run into tents and attack people at night, so my brother said he was going to hike back. People tried to discourage him because the hike was so dangerous but he would not give in and so I lent him my climbing helmet. For some reason I was hiking back too, and a girl Kristina from my elementary school was supposed to make me a pizza, but it was taking forever and she said it would be another 30 minutes, so I ate gummi bears instead. Then I was hiking back again, this time with my mountaineering class from the summer. We got to an elevator, and I think I was looking for Jack and I saw a guy wearing purple pants so I thought it might be him but it wasn't. The elevator went up and then I was in an airplane, and I was going to see him once it landed. The pilot assured us that it would be just like last time, but another guy pointed out that this wasn't the case because the plane was diving dangerously and looked like it was about to crash. Then it looked like it might actually land, but right before that, it flipped over, but it did ended up landing. The pilot urged us all to exit quickly because the plane might blow up soon.
After that I think I woke up.

I'm back in California and so happy about it!

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-12-28T12:25:00

2009-12-28T20:25:01Z

How can I try out fields other than pure math, without committing to studying them in grad school for infinitely many years?

update

2009-12-28T05:48:50Z

My computer works sometimes. Right now it is working! But sometimes the screen goes black and I can only see if I shine a flashlight on it.

I'm at home sitting in my dad's office with my sister and we're both on computers. Before that we played truth or dare. I licked her foot. (She licked my foot too.) We have a very wholesome relationship. And no we have not been drinking.

Tomorrow, I am going to go snowboarding for the first time! I'm sooo excited. It probably means I should go to sleep soon...

I'm already missing California and climbing and Jack.

But home is nice too, I like my family. Today we went hiking on the Billy Goat Trail. It's funny because they're wusses. haha I've never typed out that word before! We saw some kayakers and the river was really high from snow melt, it looked awesome. My dad said they are crazy and I envied them.

For some reason I can't seem to pick up a book and read, even though during term that's what I told myself I'd spend sooo much time doing once I'm done. I'm kind of in a difficult part of "Der Zauberberg" and I feel obliged to read it but it's just the characters having political and philosophical debates that I don't have the historical context for. Like, I don't know what half the words mean. Maybe I'll just skim that part.

I guess that is sort of a lie, yesterday I spent hours in a bookstore reading a book called "Pink Floyd and Philosophy". And then spent hours listening to Pink Floyd!

OK good night.

i don't feel like packing any more...

2009-12-17T08:14:19Z

1. Was this a good year for you?
A strange one. I withhold judgment.

2. What did you do this year that you'd never done before?
Hm. Not in any particular order: Walked on a glacier, trad climbed, finished college, got dumped (not really. more like gently set down.), had an enlightening experience due to drugs, tai chi, went to a rock concert, worked an office job, operated a bulldozer, peed off a building, got scolded by security, made graffiti in the tunnels, drove my car naked (i did this yesterday!), ate all the wasabi at once in a Japanese restaurant, and other silly things due to dares, got obsessed with David Lynch, and toooons of other fun and exciting things! (and silly and stupid things too)

3. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
If I had any, they were probably something like "study harder" and in that case I don't think I kept them. Anyway New Year's resolutions are silly.

4. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Do I have to choose?? Drop day maybe. But really there are so many more.

5. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Uhm maybe sometime around when all the suicides happened.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?
A job!

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I really don't remember dates...just events

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The most obvious thing that comes to mind is graduating. But something I sort of care about more: I got better at climbing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Wasting so much time and money preparing for a trip I never did.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick from the vaccines (see previous answer), I got a cold, tons of bruises...nothing serious.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my family and friends

12. Did you break up with anyone this year?
No but Krzysztof broke up with me.

13. Did you make any new friends this year?
Yeah.

14. Did you travel outside of the U.S. this year?
Nope

15. How many different states did you travel to this year?
California, Maryland, Oregon, Washington, Arizona

16. Did you lose anybody close to you this year?
Yes, a lot of my friends graduated.

17. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, at different times

18. What was your favorite movie you saw this year?
Inland Empire! (and also most of the other David Lynch movies, and Fanny and Alexander)

19. What was your favorite song?
That's a hard one. Maybe "Home" by Dream Theater.

20. What was your favorite album?
Scenes from a Memory, Dream Theater

21. Favorite TV show?
Twin Peaks!

22. What was the best book you read?
Oh how sad I don't remember. I like the one I'm reading now, "Der Zauberberg", Hatcher was my favorite textbook ever, ooooh I know. "Der Steppenwolf", by Hesse, without a doubt.

23. How many concerts did you see this year?
One: Dream Theater!

24. What was the funniest moment of this year?
My life is so serious, nothing is ever funny.
Just kidding, probably something with Jack.

25. What did you want and get?
Someone I love.

26. What's one thing you wish had happened this year?
I don't know, really my only regret is the India thing.

27. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes.

28. How much money did you spend this year?
Too darned much.

29. Where did most of your money go?
Vaccines, visa, mountaineering stuff

30. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably the mountaineering thing

31. What was your most embarrassing moment of the year?
I don't know

32. If you could go back in time to any moment of this year, what would it be?
Drop day

33. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Climbing, Dream Theater, David Lynch, Jack

34. What song will always remind you of this year?
All the Dream Theater songs I like, "Rope Ends" and "Chain Sling" by Pain of Salvation, "Polish Poem" from Inland Empire, "Live your life" by I don't know who, "I'm Deranged" by David Bowie, "Amaranth" by Nightwish, the Twin Peaks opening

35. Compared to this time last year, are you:

-happier or sadder? happier

-thinner or fatter? probably the same, but stronger!

-richer or poorer? poorer

36. What do you wish you'd done more of?
thinking ahead... but I know how difficult it is and I don't believe in regrets

37. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being emo

38. How will you be spending Christmas?
I'll be at home.

39. Did you fall in love this year?
Yes.

40. How many one-night stands?
None.

41. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 22, and I was at Zion National Park with Krzysztof and his mom, I went for a hike by myself all day, freaked out because I thought I had poison oak, then ate pizza for dinner.

42. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Knowing what will happen next...

43. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Picking up something that looks clean from my floor.

44. What kept you sane?
Pink Floyd, David Lynch, and my friends

45. Which celebrity/public figure did you like the most?
I fell in love with Dream Theater but that's more than one person. Oh and David Lynch. haha

46. Who was the best new person you met?
Jack!

47. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
There is no "should".

48. What are your plans for the next year?
I'm applying for teaching and tutoring jobs, and I intend to climb a lot.

49. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
終わる言葉信じられない
目覚めの時はまだ遠い

I cannot believe the words of the end
The time of awakening is still far away.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-12-08T18:45:00

2009-12-09T02:45:27Z

last set... but wouldn't it be awful if i fail this class? i've thought this millions of times, but this time... this time it would mean i can't graduate when i intended to. now that would just be embarrassing; it's been an 18 unit term. i am willing to stay up all night doing this thing. but i spent all afternoon trying to generate the fourth root of 3 using i and some other horrendous 4th root, and not getting anywhere. it's not even a deep conceptual thing i'm missing; it's simply a matter of tricky algebra. and even that wouldn't be so bad if the other problems looked promising, but in fact this one looks the easiest out of all of them.

lately i've had so many math sets due wednesday, it's just like last year. i've stopped going to hangar 18 as much, last week i didn't even go at all, now i'm intending to go tomorrow.

on the bright side, the things i'm reading about, complex multiplication for instance, are actually quite interesting. it seems like if you can get over tons of horrible algebraic tedium, elliptic curves are really cool. unfortunately the homework sets are all about the algebra. :-/

what else is new... certainly not the fact that i'm writing in lj because i don't want to look at my math set anymore.

people keep asking me if i'm excited that i'm almost done. ignoring this doubt i have about passing ma105, i'm still not really excited. what would i be excited about? no more math sets? i guess that's nice. but i can't really imagine a life without them; it's been too long! no, instead of excitement i have this ominous apprehension: what if i don't find a job? if i don't find a job, i will go crazy because i will feel too aimless. anyway, worrying about it right now isn't helping.

math.

:-(

2009-12-08T06:01:09Z

my head hurts
i'm exhausted but wired on caffeine
i passionately hate elliptic curves
odsijfposifjoiudshfoiusahfoisdhfoijf

wheeeee

2009-12-04T01:50:50Z

I love math when it works! I spent the afternoon diagram chasing, it was satisfying because everything that needed to be true, magically was true!!

Mochas are tasty. I got a large one at Red Door.

I watched "Lost Highway" again. It's so good!!!! So much better than the first time, because this time I understood it and it was exhilarating. Especially the ending, when it all explodes, right after everything only just finally connected together, and it's quiet for a bit and then... "funny how secrets travel..."
Jack makes a great David Bowie impression.

"I'm deraaaaaanged"

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-12-03T14:53:00

2009-12-03T22:53:16Z

Found it!!

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-24T13:44:00

2009-11-24T21:45:00Z

I LOVE PINK FLOYD

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-20T03:49:00

2009-11-20T11:49:35Z

For most of the day, my eyes hurt and the light reflecting off the paper was too bright and homology was this lofty structure far out of my reach.
Zeb brought it down a little and now I did 1/3 of my set. But it's time to sleep. So I asked for an extension. I hope I get one. I'll go to class tomorrow...
Tofu soup was good.
I re-learned how to drive a manual car last night. It's fun.

Why does it always take me most of the day to stop panicking, and accept that I will do nothing but math for the rest of the day? And to realize that even though the set starts out infinitely long, the trick is not to think about it and then one day it will be finite.

OK a bit more math then sleep.

homology...

2009-11-20T00:34:39Z

sooooooooooo complicated :-(

wheeeee

2009-11-18T19:33:33Z

My head is floating somewhere near the ceiling, I feel like I slept in 5 minute fragments last night. But my eyes just won't stay closed! Well now of course they won't because I'm full of caffeine! But even though I woke up early it's not made me productive; I spent the past hour on the computer writing emails and chatting!

And I can't stop laughing to myself because something was funny. haha
but it's a secret!
These things are really useless to say huh. But I'm not writing this for anyone else so whatever, I'll say what I want!

Aaand last night, I led a 5.11a in the gym!! And climbed till the last bolt without taking! (or falling), but right before the anchors I couldn't do a matching move so I taked. And I also did a 10a it was actually a lot harder because it was overhanging. And I also toproped this reeeally weird red one that I don't know what it's rated, the beginning was easy, but then it went into a dihedral and involved a lot of pushing and stemming and unlikely positions. It was so much fun!

And, Metallica is awesome. And also I was listening to some music and a song came up called... (I had to look it up) "Hemmorhage (In my hand)" which Lori played sometimes and it made me miss her.

Ooh I think the South kitchen just opened.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-15T12:44:00

2009-11-15T20:44:27Z

Woww it's hard to get up... I'm awake but so groggy. And too hungry to get up and cook food. I think I'm also dehydrated. It feels straaange to wake up in my room on the weekend, past noon!

Alas I must do a math set today. I am so completely tired of math I can't even say. I just don't care any more! I would have infinitely more wanted to stay at New Jack City and climbed for another day.

Yesterday I climbed there for the first time, and it's such a nice place! In the desert, it's beautiful, and there's literally no approach to the routes so you can be super lazy. I led a 5.9 there, I almost gave up on it because for the last move, it tricked me and really seemed like I would have to do this very powerful overhang move. But right when I was going to give up, a random lady who was climbing up a different route next to mine told me to keep left and not use that really tempting, huge chalked-up hold on the right, and she pointed out one I hadn't noticed. And then it was easy! And then I led most of a 10a, but I couldn't clip the anchors because I couldn't figure out the last move. Jack then finished it and I followed on toprope, and there was a really good hold I would have had to jump for. Not knowing it was there though, I didn't try to jump for anything on lead. He said he didn't mind it because he could sort of "jump" up but lock off with his right hand and hold himself there and look for it, and come back down if he had to. I wish I was at least a little bit that strong! Also I have to get rid of my fear of falling! I should just fall on purpose a lot. Then I'll get used to it and not be scared, and not hold back.

Last night when I got back, I watched the movie "Synecdoche, New York". It was very frustrating. Too much of it was "OMG look at me I'm so meta!" And all of it was pessimistic, like a depressed person who won't stop whining and refuses to see anything good in the world. (like me last year...or was it the year before) There was no concept of beauty for the main character. His life sucked. But he had no soul, instead he had a burning fireball of pain.
It was powerful, it got my attention, but I didn't like it.

more coherently

2009-11-14T09:01:54Z

I realized something today. I'm more solid. Reality is more solid. I exist, in the past few weeks.
Please don't go away.

what a dayy

2009-11-14T09:00:03Z

Wake up. Topology. Paella. Zeb. More topology. Calculus. Lecture=torture. Jamba juice. Some intense...yoga (my legs still feel funny). Shower. Watermelon. Twin Peaks season 2 premiere. Some less intense yoga. Oatmeal. More oatmeal. Construction site. Tunnels. Graffiti. (I fulfilled my dream of writing some!). Levers. Frosh. Colors. Running around tunnels in underwear. Hot chocolate. Gangsta nite!

Make up a story involving the above, roughly in that order! It will probably resemble my day.

And... climbing tomorrow!
And Sunday... I won't think about right now.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-11T12:27:00

2009-11-11T20:27:49Z

ooookkkkkk. note to self. don't eat old produce that made my car smell funny.

whoa! whoa!

2009-11-06T04:50:28Z

5/6 and it's only... 8:47 pm on Thursday night!! WHOA!!
I'm in such awe that I had to stop before I look at #6 and announce it to the world.
Watch me spend all night on this one... it's weird. It doesn't seem like it should work.

Whenever I remember that jtree is this weekend it makes me giddy inside!!
Even though I was just there! hee hee

Whenever I remember that my math GRE is this weekend it brings forth a rising feeling of impending doom. Which is promptly overshadowed by excitement for what comes after. I totally have my priorities straight!

i'm thinking about myself a lot and i can't stop!

2009-11-04T10:45:59Z

But I just realized, this is much better than feeling like I am the least real person in the world. But in a way, it's exactly the same thing.
...it even made me feel the same way.
But I'm smarter than before I think.

All that circularity, and opposites being identified, it's a pattern underneath the secrets of what it means to be a person. cause=effect

There's also a hidden thing that prevents me from crying. Sometimes I really, really, really want to cry, I start to physically feel like I'm about to cry but then I just get nauseated.
Not out of sadness, I'm not sad, I can't even feel something as simple as sadness nowadays, anything I feel is a tangle of a million different, probably contradicting, emotions.
I want to cry like I did at drop day, it wasn't a cause of any emotion, it was just that my mushroom trip managed to open that hidden window for a while so that the torrent could come bursting out, as described in the Evangelion opening song. ("should you betray your memories" but I would say betraying them locks them away, but maybe they meant that one day it will catch you by surprise and come out, you can't bury it forever, anyway they don't really imply that it's undesirable) I feel like there are so many things hidden in me that I can't identify, that create labyrinths, that tie emotions into knots, that make realities shift and slip away, that make it impossible to trust myself.

I am the realest, least real entity in the universe.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-04T02:23:00

2009-11-04T10:32:05Z

Today when I was sitting in my new secret place I felt like I was the only real person in the world, because nobody else was even real enough to be in a place like that at that time.

Now out of procrastination I started talking to a guy on omegle, who claimed I'm the realest person he's talked to all night and then wouldn't stop talking about how he wants to talk more after this, he has insomnia and talked on omegle all night and he sounded like I was deeply hurting his feelings for wanting to stay anonymous, and unless it's a joke which wouldn't even make sense, this encounter only reinforced the sense that I'm the only real person in the world.

I'm OK with that for now, for tonight, because I'm about to sleep so the world is about to end for awhile so no matter what state it's in, everything is all right.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-04T01:02:00

2009-11-04T09:25:30Z

Half of me just shut down.
"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying."
= suuuper spacey. It perfectly describes that feeling. Maybe I got closer to the secret, of why it happens. It happens when I can't keep up with things around me.
The screen is too white. I broke my ears, the car was vibrating with the music. I have a secret place now, I always wanted one of those.
Pink Floyd. How can they have such wonderful lyrics? It's like a kind and wise old man speaking into my soul. And the music, of course.
I'm eating so many cookies.
Letting go of this death grip I had on my world...
That is the only way I can ever hope to keep up.
And there are things, like Pink Floyd, that can catch me.
And the living organism that is Los Angeles at night from far away.
And David Lynch.
In other words, things that speak to me directly, whereby I can verify my own existence.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-11-02T22:45:00

2009-11-03T06:45:35Z

11 pages!
rounded down.
silly elliptic curves.

adventure!

2009-11-01T21:36:49Z

Guess what I did on halloween!

I fulfilled a fantasy I had freshman year and forgot about in between then and now. Decided spontaneously to get up and drive away to the desert!
With the person I most want to be with. And (this part wasn't in my fantasy back then) to do my favorite thing to do: climb!

So we went to jtree and then got really lost for a couple of hours and finally left the park at 11pm! It was an epic day. First, GW and a friend of his were supposed to meet us in the morning, but we got a message that he overslept and would not make it. So we set off to Wonderland of Rocks, and were going to climb some stuff on a place called Astro Domes, which is these two domes that are (thankfully) very distinctive looking. First we did some climbs near the parking lot, I hadn't trad climbed in a few weeks so I was kind of scared, but I did a 5.7, but overcammed a lot of my gear so that it was hard to get out; in particular there was a tricam that was in way too deep so that Jack couldn't reach it so he had to lower me from the top again because I have smaller hands, and I finally got it out. Then we toproped this 10c and he decided to lead it. There were 2 bolts on it and a tiiiny fingercrack, which he put a piece of gear in, and fell on, and it popped out. Fortunately he caught the rope as he was falling because he would have probably hit a ledge otherwise. Then, he tried it again and nearly fell from even higher, but he didn't and so in retrospect it was a good thing. But it was scary to belay! Aaand, then we set off looking for the astro domes, it was kind of a long hike but we finally found them, but the climb he wanted to do was in the shade and windy and cold, and reeeally crimpy with super sharp holds so that it stung even after 2 minutes of resting after the first clip, so we decided it wasn't worth it and we would look for this route called Mental Physics with 3 stars. But we weren't sure where it was, so we scrambled around for awhile, and then finally right before sunset, we found it. I started leading it, and halfway through, it got dark, so it was my first trad climb in the dark. It was long but not at all difficult, but still scary. It's annoying when I can't get my legs to stop shaking. And it's even harder to place gear in the dark (with a headlamp but still). Then he followed and we hung out up there for awhile; it was quite spectacular with a full moon and hanging off a high rock wall together. Exactly my idea of a romantic date! And then we rappeled off but I fail at throwing the rope far enough so I got it stuck, and then while trying to pull it I got it stuck again... I was really tired and cold because earlier I halfway fell into a cactus and my pants were full of spikes, so I was wearing just my shorts at that point. Oh and hungry. We made some tea then which was perfect. And then set off back to the parking lot. But we didn't want to repeat all the scrambling from before, so we went in the direction that seemed the most likely. After an hour or so of scrambling we finally made it to "solid" ground my head was ringing and light, my legs numb, my stomach growling... but the area did not look familiar. There was a trail type thing and we started walking in one direction for 30 minutes or so, and things looked less and less familiar... so we went back with the intention of getting to where we started and then trying again to find the trail to the parking lot... and then I recognized the astro domes, I was soooo happy! And so we made it and nobody died or starved or anything. Yay!

But so my problem of not having a halloween costume solved itself. Because we got back to campus sometime around 1am. Somehow, I hope my grad school dilemma will solve itself similarly. Am I saying I hope I don't get in so I can avoid a decision? More and more I feel like I want to be a teacher at least for a while. And then maybe I'll miss academia again, like Lori. She actually actively wants to go to grad school now. Maybe that's better. Maybe instead of writing essays I should be getting a teaching license. Um in any case instead of musing about it at the moment I should take a shower and do my math set! Oh I am so gross right now! I haven't showered in 2 days, I'm covered in dirt and sweat and blood. Whee!

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-10-29T19:15:00

2009-10-30T02:20:30Z

I've traversed around a Mobius strip, finding myself occasionally on what seemed like the "other side" but still always moving forward even if only by inertia and now, I'm back where I started, in some sense, but with acute knowledge of the precariousness of the position, and a reckless vertigo in face of which I can't stop laughing.

cool_daacy_314 @ 2009-10-27T13:00:00

2009-10-27T20:06:15Z

OK. I had this dream about the show Lost. Well, the first thing I remember is driving around on or near Mulholland Drive. Skip forward, Jin and Sun were having a fight because Sun had an affair. John Locke is telling everyone to climb down this latter onto a boat. Sun refuses to go, but John Locke stays behind to talk to her and I turn around for a second, and when I look back, she's coming onto the boat. At the bottom of the ladder is a canoe between the ladder and the boat, and Jin gets on it to chase Sun, who is now on a bigger wooden boat. He yells "Our child will never see civilisation!" because Sun is pregnant and he wants to take her and the baby to a deserted island. Sun says "I'll show you" and starts throwing these weird bars at him. One lands really close to his feet and make four arrows pointing in one direction and a voice says "this is where you will die". Jin stands in front of the arrows and the ground (which is somehow no longer water) breaks and he/I break through the ground and then I woke up.

I slept on my "couch" for the first time. I still like my sleeping pad more.

Am I really posting in livejournal to put off work? This has to stop.

3AM

2009-10-24T10:01:02Z

Got around 4 hrs of sleep ahead of me... but time seems immaterial. Especially with caffeine on my side. I can extend the present eternally as long as I forget that there's a future. Which is why I'm writing now instead of sleeping. Not that I dread the future; on the contrary. But I like this particular slice of time so I'm going to wallow in it.

Listening to my ipod on shuffle, and getting completely engrossed with a picture I'm drawing. I can't tear my eyes from it, my mind keeps trying to complete it, to twist it yet again, to add another infinitesimal color. What is the picture of? A strange bird, a waterfall, a boat, a house three times, trees, an eye, twisty space, spirals, roots, people, and pulling. It's like the doodles I do in class, times ten or so. And with color.

It's been so long since I tried to draw something "serious". That is, something I didn't intend to throw away the next minute. Other than my mural I guess, but that was copying; it didn't actually involve any creative process. With this, my mind is as engaged as when I'm doing my topology homework. At least.

Oh, j-pop.

Right now, I love all the colors and subtleties and contrast and shininess of everything. What I am, and what love is, God knows.